I have been wanting to write on the concept of purity for a while now, it has been on my mind. 

I have recently gained a new level of consciousness– I have taken a step forward in the journey of loving myself.

Except there is no unit of measure, no road nor a bulleted list from my therapist that can conceptualize my movement forward. Instead, there is only shame. 

Me and shame have a complicated relationship. He tends to whisper to me right as I am about to fall asleep, or when I come back home from a gathering. 

Lately, as I begin to separate the shadows of my childhood from this current version of myself, it is only He that fills the space in between. 

I was talking to a loved one about my shame and she encouraged me to look towards the shadows.

I am not afraid of what could be there, I am afraid of what is there.

I am afraid to greet her because to acknowledge her existence means she will taint the version of myself I know now with her disgusting, desperate nature. 

I am afraid to reach a hand out to hold her because no one ever has. 

What if she pulls me in and I am consumed by her misery? 

What if her grip is so strong that I cannot pull away? 

What if she is just too much? 

Then I was reminded of an ultimate truth– you cannot be tainted by yourself. To believe that lie is the antithesis of purity. 

Only when you acknowledge your right and your need to exist throughout all of your experiences, will you have reached an ultimate state of purity. 

The goal is to be full of yourself. A pure substance of you! 

When you ingest the truths of society, of your parents’ wishes, of your ingenuine expectations, of shame, it pollutes your soul. 

You do not reach purity by being untouched and unscathed by life and by others. 

You reach purity by holding every single version of yourself that has been touched and is touched and will be touched in every single way.